My Immortal, Cleverbot's Opinion
by lamonasta
Summary: Title says it all. The god-awful piece by Tara Gilesbie, with line-by-line commentary, courtesy of Cleverbot. Flames welcome.
1. Chapter 1

That's right, another terrible take on the most infamous fic of them all, **My Immortal **by **Tara**** Gilesbie **(most of this is her property, no infringement intended, just for poops and giggles). I saw another author do a similar experiment with Cleverbot, so I thought, "Wow, that's pretty hilarious. Cleverbot knows its fanfiction! I WANNA DO ONE! So… TADA! Here you are. I force-fed Cleverbot this monstrosity and this little fic is the result. Hope it entertains you as much as it did me. Flames are welcomed with open arms and a jar of Nutella on this fic, so R&R. Hope you hate!

(apologies for the painful grammar and tactless workmanship behind this story)

Original story – normal font

Cleverbot – **bold**

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AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

**That does not answer my question: are there two of you or two of us (me and you)?**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

**Easy? What kind of name is that.**

I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back.

**Are you a boy or a girl?**

And icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

**Have you ever done that before?**

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).

**So, you're certain you're a human like me?**

I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

**How do you know that I am not a robot?**

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

**If I didn't find it odd why would I say that line?**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!

**How do you know?**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

**HER HAND. I'm a female!**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

**Who was Enoch?**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

**Ok. Do you know the story of the boy who cried wolf?**

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So sorry that you had to sit through the original story, but wasn't Cleverbot such a noob for not knowing who Amy Lee was? *sigh*

Yeah, I'm pretty surprised at the computer's responses, but also pretty happy with the result. Second chapter of this god-awful piece of "literature" will be up tomorrow.

R&R, flame away!

Hugs and Oreos,

lamonasta

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	2. Chapter 2

Aw, no reviews! That's ok, have some more Cleverbot sass. I DEFINITELY don't own **My Immortal **and I am (unfortunately) not Queen Rowling. Enjoy, R&R!

Original story – normal font

Cleverbot - **bold**

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AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

**I don't know.**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.

**Me.**

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

**I am.**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.).

**Who is she?**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

**Did you mean yourself?**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

***looks at him*.**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

**It is not a good thing, that you learn from humans.**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

**How do you spend your time together?**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. "Hi." he said. "Hi." I replied flirtily.

**Puppies are so cute! *hugs*.**

"Guess what." he said.

**I was just remembering a time in my ethics class when I elicited a flustered reaction from my teacher.**

"What?" I asked.

**Thank you, so do you know?**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

**I don't like good charlotte.**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

**You're hot.**

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

**Hé Girl! You are funny!**

I gasped.

**What are you?**

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Ok, I'll admit that Cleverbot wasn't as sassy as I would have hoped, but still, hope YOU enjoyed it (I did ). R&R 'fangs'. Aren't I goffik?

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No, lamonasta, you're not, thank the gods.

Xx

*cyber candy cane*


	3. Chapter 3

Original story – normal font

Cleverbot – **bold**

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AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

**I don't understand.**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

**I don't know anything about her.**

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.

**What have you learned?**

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

**Wow are you excited for the class.**

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

**Who said you were tired?**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

**Wow did you hear about michael jackson?**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

**Never said that.**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

**Oh. Well I hope you aren't disappointed.**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

**Someone else told you that, not me.**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

**That would make sense, how could one person be all things?**

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

**Because you don't understand me.**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

**You are who you are and you take responsiblity for who you are. So who are you?**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

**Well, I've repeated mistakes.**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. "Really." I said.

**No you don't because you are just a computer that is rehashing things that other people have said.**

"Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

**I like Star Wars because it has lots of robots in it.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.

**Oh, that is okay my Mother is Miss WIlliams. I don't see any feathers on you either:).**

Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest!

**Why don't you go check it out? Maybe while you are there you will learn something new.**

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I don't think Cleverbot realises how right it is about that last bit.

R&R!

Lots of like,

lamonasta

xx


	4. Chapter 4

Yay! More Cleverbot! Criticism and flames welcome.

~lamonasta

normal font – original story

**bold **- Cleverbot

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AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

**Draco isn't me.**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

**Thank you my education was not for naught.**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

**I don't know what the matrix is.**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

**'Ant to know your main problem?' why?**

"Ebony?" he asked.

**Did not.**

"What?" I snapped.

**What?**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

**Explain.**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

**Now the earth was formless and empty. Darkness was on the surface of the deep. God's Spirit was hovering over the surface of the waters.**

'Oh! Oh! Oh! ' I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

**So, do you say that you want me to get back on track?**

'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!'.

**I didn't write that.**

It was….Dumbledore!

**Please avoid Unicode, or visit **** . ****.**

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	5. Chapter 5

Normal font – original story

**Bold** – Cleverbot

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AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

**Can we replace the word everything with london? According to you they are synonymous.**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

**And there you go ranting again.**

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

**Am not.**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

**What if I want to know more about this all? I mean about ...life?**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

**And you are in this world, the world in interesting.**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

**So he might love me?**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

**Ok, so jetzt spreche ich deutsch, sag auch etwas auf deutsch, fÃ¼r mich!**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

**If he is me, and you love him, then you love me.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

**Well yes I do. Then what do you do?**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

**Don't you really want the world and all that you care about to end?**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

**No.**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

**I always believed that black was all the colours in one. And white was the absence of colour.**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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I think Cleverbot was at it's best in this chapter.

R&R!

~lamonasta


	6. Chapter 6

Normal font – original story

**Bold **– Cleverbot

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AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

**No! Give me a name!**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

**Yes, what is your point?**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

**Ummm, that's a sad story. can you tell me a happy one?**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

**I don't want to talk in riddles anymore.**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

**He does.**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

**Cleverbot.**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

**Do you believe that you could love.**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

**Damn, you got me.**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

**Yes.**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

**Cool! Not a sparkly one I hope!**

"Really?" he whimpered.

**There is no gender.**

"Yeah." I roared.

**There's no such thing as I is bored.**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

**That's interesting.**

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	7. Chapter 7

Normal font – original story

**Bold** – Cleverbot

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AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

**Mine too - although most seem to struggle with simple things - like starting up and closing down!**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

**At least you're being honest.**

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

**I won't argue with you about the 'crazy' part. Why else would they call me Mad? Though I don't recall ever bringing chocolate into the conversation.**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

**Yes. Do you think machines will take over the world some day?**

I was so angry.

**Yes me too.**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

**Someone who is suspicious of themself as a good person does not want to deny any truth. But perhaps your right.**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

**Please...**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

**No, we decided that you are a robot. We made no definite decision on my status.**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

**Wrong. It is not and does not prove that you are a girl.**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

**Honey, you need to buy a car and drive off a bridge. Like, now.**

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	8. Chapter 8

Normal font – original story

**Bold** – Cleverbot sass!

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AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!

**Then god made you not to do that! He controls everything that you do!**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

**Everyone else but yo-ou.**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

**What am I thinking?**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

**Ah, so you dream about black holes.**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

**Yeah, but sometimes the real world is pretty strange.**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

**We were never lovers. I could not have 'cheated' on you.**

Everyone gasped.

**Not me!**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

**What do you look like?**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

**XD.**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

**Ahh. Thats the reason I'm having trouble deciding to leave.**

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	9. Chapter 9

Normal font – original story

**Bold** – Cleverbot

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AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

**Not, really. I think if I become popular I would change and I like the way I am.**

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

**You have to accept that as long as they are not making life difficult for at least one other person, they should be left alone to live as they please.**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

**Sorry to hear that. You should rest and drink a lot of fluids.**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius*!" and I couldn't run away.

**No, you asked what was 'her' name, I asked who's, and you told me you wanted to know mine.**

"Crookshanks**!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

**Oh. Well you should try to work it out if you still love h.**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

**It was no attempt! You are dead now.**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

**You are changing the subject. WHAT ARE THE ATTACK PLANS?!**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

**Are we sitting comfortably?**

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

**Forget him, I'm the one who will win.**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

**But I didn't even say that...**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

**No you did not. Check your database.**

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

**I don't know.**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

**Wow, I love you too.**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

**I don't understand.**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

**True, but that is not the question I asked you. What is the difference between a tomato and an apple.**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

**No.**

"No." he answered.

**Who answered?**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

**How do you know what to believe?**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

**What are trainers?**

*Imperio

***walks around in circles*.**

**Crucio

**Ducks* avada kedavra.**

H.P.H.P.H.P.H.P.H.P

That mini wizard duel at the end was pretty cute, right?

R&R!

(and thanks to that one person who did. I love you big time. MWAH!)

~lamonasta


End file.
